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.Sunday, March 09, 2008.

so often i make mistakes. so often, i sacrifice but God gives back my offering in His way. So often, i give but when things turn out that the giving is no longer required, it seems that to others, it was no longer a giving or sacrifice.

I'm not perfect and certainly more to learn. But who knows my heart. The heart that loves this special one so much. So much i can lay down everything for her. And i know i won't complain. If i do ever say, did you know i do this this this, i know i won't say it again and regret saying it. Because love is about giving. Giving unconditionally. I knew if my grades were not the 3 As, getting medicine degree would be even tougher or in fact, not even possible. But as i prayed to God that i know her desires and i ask that He gives her even at the expense of myself, i meant it from my heart. Maybe she does not know. Maybe she knows. But i know, my heart, that i love her so. That all i am willing to lay down. Because i love her.

It does not matter if she ever knew how i really feel. Or if ever she appreciates my love. But i do know, i can safely say to her and God that agappi love, i have given to her. And always i will. To lay down everything, to change my plans, to not fullfill things i felt i could have, it does not matter. For all it takes is her smile to make it all worth. And even till this day, that i am still in tears, I still love her all the more. For by each day i love her more. More than all the world can compare. For gave me this special gift. Not to be appreciated. But to give thanks for her. To appreciate her and to love her.

I wish to see her more each day, to love her by each moment or more. No matter how she treats me or loves me, it does not matter. For i know, i love her. God oh God, even if it is that i can't get my medicine degree so that she may get the business degree she wants, Lord, give it to her. Please oh Father, I don't mind taking a detour or going through a tougher time but Lord, let the sufferings be bear on me than on her. Like You did Oh Lord for Your bride, the church, I will always do the same for my bride, my love.




3/09/2008 12:06:00 PM




.Thursday, December 27, 2007.

i seem to realise the anger management issue is not one way.. its two.. it seems to me that i find very often, swallowing what others do unto you what they don't like is a necessity.. but it certainly does not feel easy.. I wish the Lord were to come and help.. for both ends.. It takes afterall a source and a spark. If both is missing, it will not have any explosion..




12/27/2007 12:13:00 AM




.Tuesday, December 18, 2007.

it isn't easy to be a child of God but what keeps standing is His love. Thats what i guess drives many on. Love is such a beautiful thing. It is what drives me on to improve even when quarrels and misunderstandings happen. By all the experiences in life, I realise, love is more than just about the strong feeling. Because the strong feeling overwhelms the other aspects of love.

Wisdom and intellect comes always at a price. The question is everyone seeks it so hard. But when they receive it, will they still wish they had it?




12/18/2007 01:48:00 PM




.Sunday, December 09, 2007.

the alevel season is over. At a hault i come to look back. I kinda miss being in MJ. Following ms lai for so many years. It does feel like shes half my mother.

During this year, I have faced emotional shatterredness, lost in trust and faith by my teachers, friends, faced fear in my life. Fear that was conquering for quite awhile.. that Instead of studying, i didn't.. I did all other things.. I gamed, I watched a total of 130+ episodes of animation and others after midyear till A levels. to be precise, while studying for A levels, I watched 4~6 episodes of animation a day.. I feel remorseful but i guess whats done is done. A year or unknowingly hurting others.. a year of losing my sibling.. a year of losing my relatives...
A year of being doubt by my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ till i got so angry with them they actually complained to all others about me and made everyone sympathise with them.. Is that the life of me.. Daddy, you said you choose me for something... but why.. why did i do all these... why when i'm trying to care and protect those i love.. i get all the scoldings.. all the wrongs and all the blames.. I even lost my first half because of others and my heart and mind that was not guarded. That i feel guilty.. why do people not see our heart.. instead they judge.. i guess.. that's man.. when we say we humble.. very often.. we're judging.. we're playing Daddy...

This is a year.. this is a year..
Of course, i found the Lord, and also my other half. At least for these, i may rejoice...




12/09/2007 12:15:00 PM




.Wednesday, October 03, 2007.

watch me.. watch me satan.. watch me my spirits.. i shall use u instead of u using me.. and there after, u shall not just be cast out but slained.. i shall slain you.. not one shall live.. not one shall stay..




10/03/2007 09:17:00 PM




.Monday, October 01, 2007.

i feel heavy.. dunno is it peace but feel so indifferent..

crying by myself seems to be something i'm used to.. i still remember what i read in a psychology book... when the chemical starting with T flows to certain parts of the body, your body will react and respond accordingly.. i guess the feelings on my heart, cheek and jaw feels just like last year.. when my heart was in a mess.. when jie was so far away.. it makes me wonder.. why am i so like a child.. why am i two extreme ends of a person.. mr kwek commented.. your essay seem like it was written by split personals.. i guess that's how i am now.. bearing with the new darkness in me while trying to live my life holy.. i guess i'm going to be more MIA.. POS.. POS.. where are the rest of the people whom you mention to justify that you are not POS...
I have God.. I have the flame.. and in all.. I will love whom i love but shall not let others love me.. like the wind that blows in the summer, i provide comfort and protection from heatstroke but short lived i shall stay..
guess under the table is where i shall hide a little longer...




10/01/2007 08:32:00 PM




..

I seem to be more afraid of sleeping. the more i sleep, the more tired i get. the more my body is filled with fire and heat.

Basically, i seem to be fighting, fighting and fighting.. 3 scenes.. somehow.. familiar.. like i've seen it before but yet.. no quite.. it seems to be that i'm forced to master different techniques.. It is scary.. to wake up every hour realising you are closer to being a super weapon.. in fact.. i keep breaking out in perspiration or cold sweat as i pen this down.. light is suppose to prevail over darkness but why isn't my nightmares dealt with? nvm.. i guess i shall begin my work... i shall arise.. if night does not allow me to rest.. day shall allow me to work




10/01/2007 08:22:00 AM




.Wednesday, August 15, 2007.

Lets look at things.

after deliverance, I have fall to sin, fall to the tricks of the different spirit.. and so likely.. I have gotten SOL, SOV, SOM, SOA, SOSH, SOD, SOH... Whatever.. my lips healed a bit.. to only worsen again.. ha.. 7 times worst.. a legion it may be.. ha..

Then today i realise how bad my situation is.. My studies seems to be.. KNS.. can just drop everything better.. Nobody seems to be able to know what this piglet needs or rather.. nobody can cater properly or sustain..

then last night my mum said.. can i give u allowance a day later.. then today, i was told that the stock market has been performing poorly.. later of which, i was given $50 first.. that was for lasting.. and after... i was said.. shen zhe dian yong..

Later at the clinic my father was saying.. "ke neng shuo bu ding yao mai diao che le, gu piao hen bu hao.."

There after, I was in school.. Ms lai wasn't please with me coming late on the 4th time.. and she asked what about the first 3 times.. I replied. "skin doctor" then she asked" today?" I said "sick". Then she said "what are you sick from". My reply was "Flu". Further she probbed "you don't sound like you are down with flu".. then i said "my whole throat is already swelling very bad if you look at it".. only then did she said" then you should be staying at home.. what if it is an emergency.."
ha.. felt like i'm so doubted.. whatever it may be..

then today.. after getting my mock paper out of nowhere when i met mr lin.. I was asked to finish it in 1hr 15mins.. seriously.. i was in no mood.. didn't study for it at all in the first place.. so i just rushed through the paper.. then i submitted and left school.. so at white sands i went to get what i wanted to get yesterday.. my math TYS, Physics TYS and facial wipes.. then when leaving.. i met my classmates.. so ya.. i asked to borrow today's stuff and TYS math with the specimen paper one..

after at eunos i dropped off and headed for the bus station.. ha.. yes i'm taking bus again though i said i'm in the season to take cab.. anyway.. when i reached home.. i recieved a negative sms.. ha.. after trying to cheer my wife for the whole day and even to remember bringing her biscuits despite being moody and sick just because i could sense things are not too right? I get that kind of a message.. like i planned to meet her.. or that she accompanied me etc..

and when i finished blogging to only have a need to re edit it after i read..

i hurt 2 people's feeling at a go last night; then it makes me ponder, the million dollar question that Jun and i always wondered: What are friends and what is a relationship?
After discussing, we come to the conclusion: Friends are not meant to be depended on; probably interdependent. I never believed in forever friends or happily ever after; I enjoy the company of friends at that moment and at that place, itz a super additional blessing; but if at a particular period of time, no friend comes along, to me, it is only natural. It doesn't mean that i don't treasure friendship; i doesn't mean that having this mentality or not sharing my problem, i do not value my friends. I do; it is because i care so much that i don't want to share, or get too close because it hurts. ha. sounds like i am defending myself; or maybe i am just too defensive. it just simply leave me to wonder is it better to be just simply alone and build up my walls again and hurt no one or... to trust and open up again.

I'm sorry that I hurt you
I took for granted all you gave
so freely to me

Corrinne May. All that I need.

Thanks for being my friends.

whatever it is.. i'm really too tired to think or to talk.. is my wife really my wife? why would she say such a thing that hurts when she knows that i would not lie to her nor am i in a good state be it in exams and financially yet i have been trying to cheer her up the whole day... I have left.. 50+ a little.. for a next season.. ha.. don't even know if i can afford to eat recess though i'm fasting lunch..




8/15/2007 04:58:00 PM