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.Saturday, December 02, 2006.

Ha.. to be honest i still feel i'm not ready for the missionary either.. It's like.. ask me how much of the bible i have memorized.. i can't quote.. ask me the messages and stories.. yes can name a few.. but compared to all the others.. i'm far from ready.. what's my current status? not baptized.. not having quiet time(just rush off the bible studies like homework).. Still having that santanic strength though now i summon it, it feels different.. Why couldn't He work faster? Why couldn't He keep me in right from the 1st time.. Why does it always have to be so late.. so late.. so late in my life to find so many things.. so late to get my martial arts to it's peak then fracture the back.. so late then i got my IQ test and end up being neglected... so late that i reach J2.. so late that i know how to treat the girl i love right.. so late that when i try to keep the distance with her she misunderstands till very much and finally understands i'm treating her only as a friend but trying to get to know her all over again.. so late that i got a sibling that cares for me.. so late tat i get the book to read and realise i'm still a indevoted Christian.. so late that i can finally change and hope to do something for God... So late that i realise what i needed was not to get my driving license ASAP but to do His will.. Each time so late each time disappointments.. Father it's breaking point..

Father.. I dun have much time.. Nor am I surviving for the trails.. i'm not ready.. I'm only barely passing.. if it isn't for the pastors who spoken and prayed for me.. if it isn't pooh bear jie jie whom despite the busy schedule still accompany this stained, stubborn, irritating and useless piglet.. I probably would have drunk and smoke to death.. Father.. I know it's all your doings.. but botherline.. if i didn't cross them.. what would have been like.. my 4th denial Father.. Could you let me know why.. Let me know how should I live to please you but yet also be able to be at a better pace? I dunno if it's you who spoken to me all along... I dunno if that double mind is you..

I need to work.. I need to work... I need my laptop.. i need my notes.. I need my crystal beads.. I need to run.. I need to cycle.. I need to swim.. I dun want to rest.. I dun want to stop... Collapse it shall be Father..

My strength.. return.. for this eyes of the devil has awaken.. Vent it all out.. work till the ends of the Earth.. rest is not needed... I am Fist.. A fighter... A destroyer.. I need more power.. more power.. I dun want just a double degree and a masters.. I want my PHD.. I want the CEO... I want 1b.. My mask is my life.. I'm angry Father.. and it's not good...




12/02/2006 11:19:00 AM