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.Sunday, December 17, 2006.

Ha. today was quite a day.. forgetful me didn't bring me music lyrics.. forgetful me forgot the improvisation i learnt on friday.. All i was playing was way below standard...

Today i realised something.. only had in mind to tell pooh 2 things but ended up i told 4.. to be honest.. i told way more then anyone else knows.. I told way more then expected.. I guess God wants me to be truthful to my sister and stop hidding things.. Pooh, thanks for sharing so much with me.. Hope I didn't disappoint you or made you angry.. Give piglet more time to learn.. maybe i'm just too stressed from everything.. school work, CCA, driving, my health and counselling.. Really quite bursting... oh ya.. I'm not in financial difficulty.. just that now i'm only above average tat's all..

Ha just finished reading pooh's blog... actually i didn't know to sympathise with Joseph or to be happy for him.. I still remember back then.. i forced myself to grow up.. It wasn't really my grandfather who gave me work to do but rather.. i didn't want my father's side relatives to look down on me.. so i wanted to prove myself so eagerly.. so i forced myself to grow up.. didn't let anyone carry or hug me though i was crying so much.. didn't allow anyone to touch my head because i thought it might damage any bit of my brain cells.. didn't let anyone touch my hair cause i felt i wasn't a kid even though till today.. i'm still like one.. Neither did i allow anyone to call me by my name.. so long till i didn't know what my name was.. so long i had to think how to write it out.. had to act like an adult in front of others.. in school i have to act like a model student who is so super mature and well thinking.. it was all mask and force growing.. for i know this way.. no one will sense i'm suffering and bleeding.. even till today.. in front of others i have to create an image.. some think... div you're so talented, you're so smart, you're so matured... but actually i fullfill none.. i know everything comes from God.. my talents that i fail to ever use properly.. my intellect.. as for maturity.. am i one? All along I'm just a kid yearning to loved by an adult.. to be pulled by de hand and mummy saying " see boy, that's de sea..." just a kid to be hugged n tuck to bed by my grandma.. just a kid to be siting on grandpa's lap n listening to his stories.. but i guess.. but i guess.. none can ever be fulfilled.. even till today.. when i'm tired and want to lean on pooh's shoulder i'm thinking.. if i lean will she misunderstand.. if i lean will she find me too sticky.. when i want to lean on my parents shoulder i'm thinking.. wat will dey do? will they think i just want more money?.. when i want to lean on my bro's shoulder i can't even think of it.. so much hate.. not tat dere's none with my parents but it's just with my brother n father's side relatives.. dere's so much.. still I thank God that though he didn't give me what i asked for - to have a complete family... but he gave me everything i hoped for - to have a new family member not officially but more or less on tat line.. a new sibling to care, discipline and love me.. N to be honest it came at such perfect timing where my physical health was plunging n my emotions cumbling.. God really has a timing for everything n indeed he knows best.. if He gave me a sister earlier.. I might not have cherished her or see her, treat her as a sister but rather as a come n go friend.. So for that I thank God sincerely for his grace and mercy..

I guess indeed everything has it's reasons.. Today's favourite song i heard at corrine may's concert.. 5 loaves n 2 fishes.. de next is "on my way" n "my last grown up christmas wish(can't remember de name)" De first song especially i was crying.. de child.. beyond my words or heart to describe...

Oh Father Lord.. I pray to you for the world that in suffering blessing may be seen.. Oh Father Lord I pray to you to continue guiding me everyday to have even firm faith n use me in wat way pleases u.. Oh Father Lord I pray to you for my family(excluding my sis) tat as much as i hate them tat dey may be saved for i remember de line clearly "you and your household".. Oh Father Lord I pray for my sister(pooh) that she may recover physically soon and be well for and after the trip.. Father Lord I pray for those below de Soil n waters that dey may be given a second chance after knowing of your ever presence even at de expense of my own salvation.. I feel like quoting all was mentioned in Romans.. but i guess i'll keep praying n believe in faith that it will happen.. In Jesus name i pray, Amen.




12/17/2006 12:59:00 AM