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.Monday, January 22, 2007.

Hahaha.. even cycling and jogging the darkside also can visit.. take my focus away to a different state then almost accident.. visiting me at such a frequent rate.. visit me in church.. visit me in my sleep.. where else is it not going.. People tell me.. it's my stronghold.. it's my choice.. but i tried to call it away.. i did.. so many a times but it keeps returning.. is that my fault too..

I asked my sister "coach wants me to compete again.. should i?" and her reply was "up to you.. you know my stand" ha.. means she pressume i might go back.. why would i do something to hurt God or my sister.. I only wanted to ask to find out what my sister actually thinks of me.. and apparently.. i'm right.. she tells me she hasn't concluded.. but she has.. I passed her the journal and told her to read at home.. because i dun want to see what i written then later when i try to explain.. end up crying.. and so told her bring it home to read.. later which she still opened it up.. moreover.. after all the things she had said.. i got angry.. so i said "want to read read ba. dun want to read just throw it away" so she returned me the journal.. she later said "just because you go to church it does not make you a christian" ha.. ha.. ha.. such words.. made me so hurt and disappointed.. my own sister actually thinks of me this way.. my walk with God is not for any to see but never have i forsaken Him nor placed below anything.. Yet.. that was what my sister said to me.. jie once again i ask.. you said you have not concluded on anything.. have you really not.. concluded the way to talk to me.. concluded the way to treat me.. concluded the way to hide things from me.. did you stop to listen.. did you stop and open up ur ears and hear to listen and not just shut me away right from the start?

jie.. i'm ur di di.. not a pet that you choose to treat well one day and bad the other or throw to a side.. I only dun want to mention how hurt i am by ur words because i dun want you to worry or be distracted from ur work.. but it's really hurting to have my own sister say that to me or treat me that way.. do you know that piglet is really crying and tired from everything.. from school to health.. to even what u said and treat me.. so faithfully being a good disciple of God... trying to minister to others.. spend time reading his words and digesting it though everytime i NEVER complete my homework or cope with school.. yet.. what i get is being so misunderstood by others.. what i get is such negative comments from my own sister whom i thought understood me and always supportive of me.. Father it's hurting.. Father I try so hard to be your faithful child.. yet i can't even cope with school work.. and all the others.. how am i to laugh though i say i rejoice.. but only rejoice as the bible tells me so..

The stress of school work.. always not finished.. yes.. today i'm not feeling well thanks to my back.. i'm not gonna say what happened.. i just know what was foresee last year.. at this rate.. it's gona be completed.. ha.. dun even think need an accident to get it then.. the fear of school.. the fear of facing A levels.. i end up running away again.. running away from school.. hahahaha..

So many told piglet.. you are 18.. and so.. what choice did i have.. the quickest way is to use the dragon.. to be the perfect sample.. perfect student.. perfect disciple of God.. I seem to fake i'm coping well but HEll dam I'm not.. I have to wear a mask in front of everyone.. this time i mean everyone.. i use to be able to tell my sis everything.. but these days.. from the way she talks to me.. treats me.. also.. concluded about me.. and her huge piles of work.. i end up presenting a perfect state.. Does she think i'm super human.. does she think it feels comfortable to have your own sister saying harsh words, misunderstanding and saying not concluded when she already did.. i still remember after looking at the talk on wednesday about Dr William Tan.. the one who ran 10 marathons in 65 days.. actually he did 13.. and the 1st station was in antartica. which he failed to complete when his wheelchair broke(something i might have to be on soon again).. i still remembered Ms Lai saying when he was small his sister used to carry him up the stairs in school.. and ms lai said.. you used to hear a guy singing "he's never too heavy for he is my brother" and now there's a female one.. when i saw the picture of the stair case.. and heard of what ms lai said.. i was weeping.. weeping at great God was to give me a sister.. that actually took the extra mile though i wasn't blood related.. and so.. i wanted to message her.. but apparently.. it failed to get across.. since i guess she'll be too busy to read this.. or rather.. not feel anything when reading this.. i guess it's alright to put it up...

"morning pooh.. just want to say thanks.. thanks for being my wonderful sister that always takes the extra effort to make a difference. the sacrificed studying time and sleep to accompany piglet, the difficulty to cheer up piglet especially when you are facing a lot yourself and not forgetting all the sacrifices that made a difference for a brother that isn't blood related and yet kept making you disappointed and angry..
pooh bear jie jie, sorry for all my selfish and inconsiderate behaviour, sorry for all my irresponsible acts that hurt you too many a times.. Thanks for always being so patient and understanding to even send me prayers and lullabys when i ask.. I'll learn to be more brave.. Piglet dun know how to thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful sister or thank his sister for doing so much and not giving up on him. Jie, xie xie ni... :) During times when u r struggling piglet hasn't been a good brother but piglet has never forsake his sister.. I'm always dere when u need me. Likewise, piglet wants to thank you for always beeing there for him.. hugs.."

I guess all these doesn't make any difference now.. afterall.. she needs to stay focus.. when that forecast happens.. i dun want any to know.. none to know.. i dun want to see hurt in others eyes.. so i guess.. let myself be the one suffering in fear and no one know.. indeed the silent mode shall begin.. the dragon shall arise.. Father whatever you want to do.. do it quick.. I'm really tired.. so much i wish to say.. yet some i written in journal.. some i did leave anywhere.. oh well.. so much hurt.. so much disappointments..




1/22/2007 11:13:00 AM