Today is nothing but mixed feelings.. so much struggles of emotions to cope with..

Pooh.. are you better? Pooh… please stop seeing piglet as a friend.. I’m ur di di.. not a friend that u have to worry hurting or worrying adding burden unto.. I know it sounds difficult and strange to have someone not blood related to be treated like one but piglet has told you that piglet sees u as his own blood related sister.. and so.. don’t keep seeing piglet as ur friend.. for friendship can change but kinship cannot.. it’s a link God has made that cannot be changed.. broken or denied.. as such.. as much as piglet feels hurt at times by ur words and actions.. or even when times when I feel all lost at what to do for you to help.. I don’t walk away or just say it’s alright that’s enough.. for pooh, siblings will never leave the other to walk alone.. that is our agreement, that is my promise to you.. couples can breakup, husbands and wife can divorce, friends can become enemies but family cannot change.. there is no contract to breach.. no bond that can be broken.. so ok.. i'm stuck as ur di di even if u scold me, hit me, throw me away or pinch me or poke me.. yups.. but don't use that as an excuse to scold me k =P

Hm....
The year ahead is but one full of challenges.. Or is it not.. For me, I know I have to juggle for time between church, studies and others.. Not forgetting the mask I have to start wearing.. different one for my classmates, different one for my teachers.. different one for my principal.. and even a different one for my driving instructor.. The fear of not doing well.. The fear of not living up to others expectations.. The fear of bursting my emotions and letting the dragon take over.. My Dark side builds as my fear grows.. It’s not star wars I’m talking about.. but rather.. I know very well.. how my strength can grow with all the fear and suffering.. I want to ask for pooh bear jie jie’s company but I know she is already very vexed herself.. thought of it as can just accompany each other.. not much feelings to talk but just watch the stars.. watch the kallang river at cosy bay.. but I guess pooh didn’t know piglet wasn’t just wanting to do his part as a brother to provide company and comfort for his sister but he himself is drowning.. Which apparently, I wanted to head out at 2am after waking up.. but when I read pooh’s sms that it’s raining and she wants me indoors.. decided not to make her worry.. but sigh..

who would know how piglet feels now.. for the last few nights.. I haven’t been sleeping well.. dreams.. nightmares.. even dreamt of my own exorcism of the strength in me.. the fear of the exorcism which in the dream pooh assured piglet that it will be fine.. and ended up.. I vomited like no tomorrow.. apparently.. what I vomited became words.. words that I can’t remember.. and I was crying.. lying on pooh’s shoulder crying.. apparently.. I dun understand.. I never dreamt of my own exorcism of this strength..

the fear of the dark grows.. 31st night, Murphy was talking to me on the phone he talked about my strength.. devil.. and guess what.. I was trembling in fear.. I was hiding in my blanket.. even grabbed the wind breaker around to cover my face… my breathing paced up.. my eyes were about to be in tears crying out for Jesus and pooh.. then he stopped..

Piglet is afraid.. afraid of so many things.. afraid of the well being of his sister.. afraid of next year.. afraid of his strength.. afraid of his unfinished work.. afraid of life’s expectations.. afraid of the dark.. and his prediction weeks ago.. of death.. And now.. I dun even dare to go school tomorrow.. I dun even dare to wake up and wear that uniform.. I didn’t dare to tell pooh cause I’m afraid to add on more burden when she’s struggling but yet I myself am at the breaking point.. I guess later at the lunch.. I will have to be acting again.. I want to see the stars.. for at least I know the stars will not fail to shine on me.. for I know it’s like God’s eyes that are always watching out for us.. For I know it’s where I prayed for my sis to do alright for her exams and she did.. everyone thinks that Div is the big kid that is so smart, so rich, so well skilled in martial arts, so brave and even ready for work.. but who knows the other side that has been bleeding each day as a kid.. hoping to be understood.. hoping to be cared for a little.. hoping to just for one night not care about all other things and sleep peacefully in his family’s arms.. know that he will be protected and there’s nothing to be afraid.. who would know that so much fear has grown in the kid.. who would know the child that has been crying so much in pain.. seeing his own sister suffer and also fearing about himself.. stars oh stars.. shine for me tonight.. whoever it is tat God may provide me company, i hope to have this little comfort.. even if tomorrow i dun turn up at sch.. At least i know the next day of school i'll be ready..