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.Sunday, January 28, 2007.

suddenly.. everything feels drifting away.. what do i have now again i ask.. gambler parents, brother who just cares about his money and girl being so hypocritical in front of me(not that i'm not a hypocrite)..

My walk with God.. feels so distant now.. as a matter of fact.. only read the bible on friday and saturday.. then write it this morning in the journal.. why? i totally dun feel like doing anything.. wasting my time away.. no intention to do work.. no intention to drive.. read the bible.. all i feel like doing is running.. roller blading.. crashing and die.. i'm so disappointed with everything.. so disappointed.. especially in myself.. Mensa kid.. Useless.. Foolish.. Silly.. unable to do anything or deal with anything properly.. but i guess.. i have to keep acting.. keep acting.. no matter how tired i am.. i have to find an excuse to tell others i'm busy.. find an excuse for my change in eyes.. behaviour.. my dark light.. ha.. what a way to describe my current situation.. so many things i choose to hide from my journal.. so many i choose to write.. but no one shall read.. not tat i didn't try to hint or ask.. but rather.. i think enough of being slapped away and tugged away.. if i'm lost in the storm.. God doesn't answer or anyone.. so be it.. afterall.. the darkness is countered with even stronger and deeper darkness.. may my fear of dark be engulfed with even greater power..

today's service.. i dunno what to say about it.. speaks to me.. and also about my behaviour of why i keep asking my sis that question.. but also it's the fear of losing the things i already have.. i guess.. can i really give up all? at the moment perhaps.. i might not be able to give up a family i just got so recently that means so dearly to me that it ranks 2nd right below Father.. not that i'm not willing to give it up for Father.. but only when given a clear signal and guide of what to do.. I think i'll be willing to let go..

crying? i guess not.. laughing more like it.. hahaha.. life is so great.. Back to school tomorrow.. back to acting.. back to behaviour like the model kid.. ahaha.. Father I pray to you for drowning.. pray to you for the end of the darkest dragon that ever existed.. what worth is it for piglet to exist when the darkest dragon is what others want.. and so.. end both.. end me.. so be it that i go to hell.. for my walk with you is not for the treasures in heaven.. i'll still praise u as my Father even in hell.. that's all that matters.. laugh piglet.. laugh div.. the hidding from others is to reach a deeper level.. for why tell others you need help when no one listens.. when so many are just wanting to laugh at that rising dragon that many predict to be successful to be proven wrong.. when so many are just thinking you're trying to get attention.. might as well mask it up.. might as well hide it up..

pooh.. to prevent lying to you or masking in front of you.. also from how you've been talking to piglet.. to be honest.. i'm avoiding you.. dare not talk.. dare not say.. or even look in the eye.. just take care of yourself.. you're always my jie.. pooh bear jie jie that piglet loves dearly.. take care.. please do...

will be blogging less.. though mr lin always tells me health comes before studies.. before anything else.. i think it's crap.. it's time to work.. time to do the dragon should do.. at all cost.. at all cost.. piglet.. stop crying.. stop crying.. AHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhh...... I HATE MYSELF!! FATHER.. I love you yet i hate you.. AHHHHhhhhhhhh.............................




1/28/2007 12:52:00 PM