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.Sunday, May 06, 2007.

I dun know how or what to say.. all i know is.. write, post and leave..
I couldn't play my music properly.. 40% was all that returned.. it didn't feel like music.. it felt like just some note playing object.. i just couldn't feel the music again like before..

Everything seems quite gloomy.. suddenly it's like everything you're working for is for one reason.. and that reason is drawn away.. it feels so empty.. like your soul is drawn out... without purpose.. without a vision.. without a mind.. all but a jelly mind...

I've never cried this much in my life time before.. it's just too much for a christian to feel like the Lord has lied to him one too many a times..
Yet He tells you, you're a gift to her.. to watch out for her.. to care for her.. do not leave.. And so i do my best to be there but only to a level that's right.. but yet.. i get so misunderstood.. i get so much fire... it makes me wonder.. when i was completely truthful to her.. does she know how i really feel.. does she even know my heart was completely given to her.. and that the love is so strong that i'm willing to do so much that she'll just be happy.. corrinne may's fly away i guess is how i'm describing how i feel.. but yet.. i can only fly higher for the Lord says not to leave her completely.. Do they know how i feel.. does she know how i feel? does anyone be it christian or non christian know how i feel?

I really hate myself... I hate myself for being on this earth.. for being in this family that always goes wrong.. i hate myself for not leaving this family when i had the chance.. i hate myself for not being able to study and not being harsh to not take care of my family when i was suppose to focus on my J1... I hate myself for appearing into so many people's lives to only break their hearts... how many have i hurt.. 3... of which.. includes my sister.. i feel so much guilt to appear into her life.. i feel so much guilt to appear into flower and owner's life.. I should never have choosen the option of retaining.. I should have choosen hell..

dark visits agains.. in fact.. he almost went in.. but at the vital point i opened my eyes and forced him out, literally.. i couldn't breathe.. so i kept coughing and coughing.. until i felt him left...

Lord.. why do you keep a piglet angel that you cast out into earth alive.. when all he does is cause harm and hurt to others.. my Lord.. strike me down.. my Lord.. take me away.. I wish to hurt no one anymore..




5/06/2007 06:32:00 AM